CHAPTER 37/52: MEMOIRS OF A FORLORN LAD

Good morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wake up a lot of mornings wishing for today to be a lot better than yesterday. Every night I close my eyes with a hope that tomorrow will bring something new and something better for me. Tomorrow’s gonna bring changes!!!! Just thoughts, in reality however, things just continue from where I left them off yesterday.

A lot of times I wanna wake up feeling much stronger and beautiful. However, I do slip into the depression mode early in the morning sometimes.

I hate it, but can’t help it. It’s like a grip that I cannot free myself from. Yes there are times when I feel good about myself. I’d be honest, I do feel good about myself quite often, especially when people come to me, talk about my work (read writing here!!!!!!!!!!), I can’t help but feel proud of myself then. I really do!!!!!!!

Then why this feeling keeps hanging around me???????????????

First of all I want to say I am NOT doing this for attention neither am I writing this to get any kind of sympathy. I am writing this just to get everything off my chest and be done with this once and for all. I’ve kept it inside for too long and it’s time that it all came out. People say it helps and honestly, right now I am everything possible to help myself. I’m desperate to find a way from this stranglehold and free myself.

This is not how I planned my morning, but the feelings of being lesser to others never seem to leave me. In other words experts call it “Inferiority complex”.

Everyone, at some point has it; I know that is for sure, I however am not sure how many of you actually live with it most of the days. I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No matter how much I try. Or is it that I don’t try hard enough???? I don’t know, but I know one thing for sure. It doesn’t feel great to be in this situation and sometimes I feel I am being a bit too harsh on myself, but again, it’s just me!!!!!!!

You all may not know me and this might not interest you. However as I said, I am not doing this for attention. I am not even sure if any of you can relate to this. If you can relate to this, well………. Then what else can I say???? Welcome To My World!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been waging a personal battle inside my mind for a long time, and there are a lot of times when I have submitted to a defeat. Shocking??? Yes. I do give up more often than not. Sometimes I just refuse to fight, knowing that I would never win.

Yes I admit I suffer from low self esteem, intense insecurity, inferiority and the fear of not measuring up to others. This has been a problem with me for a long time. I tried to seek therapy for this at some point; however I thought it was a bit too embarrassing and I was kind of ashamed of what I was going through. So I never tried and never bothered to take it, thinking that it’d be fine someday. Time passed on by and things just got worse each passing day.

It’s been years now and I am still fighting it. I wouldn’t go as far to say that I am depressed but yes, there were a lot of time when I felt ashamed and resorted to confining myself in my room.

I was at a point when I almost gave up on everything. I stopped everything I loved like painting, singing, playing guitar, football I mean everything. Things went from bad to worse for me with time and after a while I just stopped going to churches, attending social programs and hanging out with peers. All because I didn’t like it every time I looked in the mirror. A bit too much for such a trivial thing!! Isn’t it!!!!

That was one of the worst phases of my life; I don’t recall it with fondness. Never do I intend to look back at it.

In all honesty however, it was kind of a blessing in disguise. During these periods of my solitary confinement in my room, my mind showed the first glimpse of what it can do. This was when my thoughts first started drifting far and wide and this how the thought process started and after a while I realized that I need to put my thoughts to paper and that’s how I found the cure for my disease, well, at least as of now. Writing!!!!! Yes, it all started with journals, I wrote about 20 of them. I would go on writing for hours in a day without stopping. I started writing about every little thing that slipped into my mind. From depression, sadness, loneliness to slightest hint of elation, I wrote about them all. Sad though, that I burnt everything, after reading back what I had written, I realized they were a bit too disturbing and depressing. They seemed to break me more than to comfort me and I thought it’d be best to just get rid of it. They no longer had any place in my life. So for the best, I just burnt them and I don’t regret it, to tell you the truth.

As I said before, sometimes encouragement comes in the least convincing but realistic circumstances, so it did. Writing kind of gave me hope that I can fight it and most of the times when I am writing, I really don't think of anything else. I guess that’s why I keep on writing even after realizing that I am not good at it. But I couldn’t care less about what I wrote as long as I derived pleasure out of it.

Things have changed a bit now, especially ever since I took up writing. It has helped me kill a whole lot of time. I mean, now I spend most of my time writing and thinking, instead of just drowning myself into the sea of my low self esteem.

It’s been almost two years now, though I still evade making public appearances as much as possible, I do sometimes go out and try to enjoy in the best way I possibly can. Not because I am all confident now or I have casted my doubts aside, but because with time, comes wisdom. With wisdom comes an understanding that at one point of time I need to fight back, a realization that I can’t live my entire life like this and I cannot let these feelings win.

So I started reaching out to people, at the same time however keeping “My feelings” to myself. The more I spoke with people; I realized that I am not the only person to feel this way and it’s okay to sometimes feel the pain of being lesser to others, after all I gotta realize that I am not the best neither am I the worst. I am human and I feel it’s okay to bask in my misery sometimes, that however doesn’t mean that it’s alright to obsessive about it.

However for quite some time now, I have been able to create an invisible wall around me to protect my sanctity and as long as I am inside my wall, no one and nothing in this world can do anything to me. Yes!!!! Honestly, it’s like I lie to myself and these lies works as my protective invisible wall. Lying is not the best thing to do, but I guess I could be forgiven. And the best part is that it helps me!!!!!! Not sure though for how long but right now it’s really working for me and I intend to make the most of it while it lasts.

CONFESSIONS OF A LOST BOY

I lie, to make myself happy. Yes I do that a lot, mostly when someone tries to pull me down and I know that they might just as well succeed in doing that. That’s when I lie to myself and tell myself, nothing can break me though I know it will eventually break me down.

I cheat, to achieve something. I steal, to get something I want. I do that. Sue me. That however is not like every time. Yes I do it, but I know when and where to do and when and where not to.

I hurt people, I make them angry.  But that doesn’t always mean that I don’t like them. Sometimes I hurt people I love the most, maybe because I love them just a bit too much. Strange!!!!!! But I do it a lot.

I cry a lot, and I am not ashamed of admitting to it, it helps me to take my anger out and I think it’s so much better than breaking things. I cry when I am depressed, when I am angry, when I am sad, but I never cry when I am happy and honestly, I still don’t understand when people cry out of happiness. I guess I will understand that in time, just like I understood a lot of things slowly and steadily. Time comes for everything. So it will for this one as well.

I am mean, I am selfish and I say really mean things. A lot of times I just think about myself and my happiness. Thinking about the world sometimes is just not my agenda.  I know it’s not right, can’t help it though. That however doesn’t make me a whole bad person. On an off day, I do think about others and sometimes I do think about world peace and stuff, not as much as I would have liked, but I do it time to time.

I hate how I look, yes I do!!!!!!!! I proper hate it. Honestly, I never wanted anything more than to just change how I look. I know I can’t happen, just gotta learn to live with it and gotta learn to appreciate it.

I lack confidence, and I seriously do need to work on that. If I happen to meet you on the street and fail to talk to you, doesn’t mean that I am ignoring you. That just means that I don’t have enough confidence to strike up a conversation. It’s a fact!!!!!

I have trust issues with people around me. I love them for sure, I however can’t generally trust them, I have been made to regret every time I did. As you must have heard, once bitten twice shy, that exactly is the case with me.

I don’t have a lot of friends, but I do have few people who I really confide to. It works much better for me this way rather than to have a whole bunch of people I talk to but none to look up to when I need someone.

I prefer staying alone; I don’t like crowd and all the hustle-bustle. The best place for me to hang out is my room, where I am alone and working on something, either writing or reading.

I am not a very religious person, but that does not make me a non-believer. I do believe that there is a creator, who has control over everything that happens in this world. But it’s gonna take me a whole lot of convincing. I want to believe in religion just as much my family does, but I guess I need a divine intervention.

I am very sensitive, yes for a lad, I really am. So be very careful what you say in front of me. Smallest of things breaks me down sometimes and smallest of things do make me happy as well.

I admit that I do take things lightly more often than not and always try to face everything with a smile. It’s not because I am a funny lad but because it’s much easier to handle things with a smile. Try it, it’s really helpful. 

I hide my feelings more often than not. I don't like it but sometimes when I am feeling bad it works just fine for me, because no one really cares about it anyway. So, most of the times I am okay with hiding them just pretend that I am okay with everything that happens around me even if I am not.

I listen to Demi Lovato. Yes I friggin do!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You might wanna laugh at this one, but it’s a fact. She has a good voice and I can really relate to some of her songs. In all honesty I find her quite inspiring.

I have a huge man crush on Daniel Agger. Now you must be thinking it’s a pretty gay stuff!!! Well, sorry to disappoint you, I am just as much straight and no offence to the gay people, I don’t like to be judged about my sexuality.

I tell myself a lot of times that I am strong, deep down inside however, I know I am weak as a child. I like being dishonest to myself on this one; I know no one can help me but myself.

I tell myself that I can take care of myself and I don’t need anyone, but the fact is that I need someone just like every one of us. I know it very well that I can’t face everything on my own but I always try to make myself believe that I am better off on my own.

I tell myself that I am the best in this whole world, and I do it a lot of time. Not because I know that I am the best for a fact, but just to avoid the feeling of being the worst. It helps sometimes and trust me, I have been surviving all along because of this. Not a bad reason to lie in fact.

When things go wrong I like to tell myself that it will get better. Every time things go wrong and when I know I am hurt, I just tell myself that everything will fall into the right place, all it needs is the right time and while it’s bad I just need to look on the brighter side.

BE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just A Thought……….

My empty mind is the Devil’s playground. When I am at home doing nothing, my mind never fails to wander all over the place. I am not immune to any kind of thoughts, and trust me, when I am idle all these things creeps in more than usual. On a good day however, I do think of significant things and on the other days, just normal stuff, ranging from anger and depression to excitement, in short random things.

Been on a thinking mode since the morning, I hate it when it happens right when I wake up. Friggin annoying to say the least.

How far would you go to please someone? How much are you willing to change to make someone stay? What would you sacrifice to be accepted and to be a part of someone’s life? Pretty vile for a morning thought, but these are just some of the questions that I often ask myself.

They say “It’s always a person who has love in his heart and affection for someone, will sacrifice, some of his/her own comfort, to spread happiness to people around him/her.”

How much??????? And why would we need to sacrifice something or change ourselves just to please someone? Is it really necessary? Well I don’t think so.

I must admit. Yes, I have been guilty of hiding my feelings, making sacrifices and putting on a phony attitude in the past and trust me, I did everything I could to be accepted. However through time, I have learnt that the best way to live is to be myself. Do whatever I want to do and say whatever I want to say. If someone has a problem with it, if someone doesn’t like it, then it’s their problem. Not mine. If they wanna leave because of this, then I guess, it was never meant to be anyways.
I have lost a lot of people, some really close and dear, but that's how life is. It always takes you by surprise, and honestly, these things do not come with a warning sign on them. It's hard losing them, but it's made me a better person and it taught me a lot, which I couldn't have probably learnt in my lifetime.

Momentarily it might and will hurt, but in a long run, it’s always for the better.

So I have just stopped losing my sleep over it and trust me, you’d get nothing out of it. So, if you worry too much about it, stop doing it from now on.

The feeling of being unwanted always hurts. I have been through it and I know it’s not the best thing in the world. I sometimes do things just to evade situations like this, put on a fake smile, and do all those stupid things which I don’t usually do, just to get into it and blend in with people. That however is the stupidest thing to do, “Faking” things will not get you anywhere, and even if it does, it will get you fake friends to hang out with, who’d eventually leave you alone when the real you resurfaces. Trust me it happens, not just in movies, but in real life as well.

Pleasing someone or the ability to bring happiness to someone is a blessing for sure, however not at the expense of our own comfort. Just as much making others happy is important, so are your contentment and happiness and most of all, the honesty to your own self and your feelings. You don’t, in fact no one needs to step out of their comfort zone in an attempt to make someone happy. If they are not happy with who you are, then there will be a lot, trust me, a lot of people who’d be happy to be with you, THE REAL YOU.

So, take off that mask, stop hiding yourself and let it all out. Don’t fret about people who left, just because they couldn’t deal with who you are. Just remember, if they leave then they didn’t deserve you anyway. Every closed chapter doesn’t always mean it’s the end.

It’s easy to say things than doing it, especially when that person means so much. But as they say “Those who don’t love you at your worst, don’t deserve you at your best”. It’s the friggin truth. No one is above you, everyone’s the same. Just as much they deserve love and respect, you do too. If they can’t love and respect you for who you are, then I guess you’d be better off without them.

There is one thing that everyone, including me, needs to know, we are all beautiful in our own way and there is someone, somewhere who’d appreciate and love us just the way we are. There will be someone for whom, we won’t need to change and neither sacrifice anything. Someone, who’d be happy to be with the real us. Someone, who’d have no problems in holding hands when the world is busy pointing out flaws.  

It took me years to understand and realize it and trust me, I had been waging a personal battle inside against these feelings. In all honesty however, I still struggle to accept it sometimes. I do believe in it though and I want to be able to live it as well. But it looks like it’s gonna need some practice.

Be yourself, because there are things that no one can do better than you. Respect yourself. The more you respect yourself, the more others will respect you. Just so you know there is no one like you and there will never be.

It’s not an easy road to travel on, people will hate you, judge you, leave you, always try to pull you down and there will be people who’d always try to make you somebody else. Hard it may be, however just keep walking because one thing is for sure, life would be a lot better and trusting people a lot easier if you only learn to “Be Yourself”.

I know I gotta do it first though. Just a thought??????????? Maybe not……

Take care and stay safe. Adios!!!!!!!!!!

PAGE 250/366: That KoRny Encounter.........

KORN is in the town!!!!! Yeah, you heard me right. KORN.

The band that inspired millions of young lads like me, the band I would kill to watch. I’ll be honest however; if given a chance then I would for sure choose Rage Against The Machine over KORN. A Rage Against The Machine reunion is out of the question, so I guess I am happy with KORN.

KORN haven’t been the same in recent years, especially after “Head” left the band. The energy is still there but the “feel” is missing.  KORN for me symbolized angst, but lately they have mellowed down and so did the music. They don’t make the kind of free for all “Headbanging” and “Mosh-pitting” music anymore, but I’ll still take KORN as well, after seeing Meshuggah, Freak Kitchen, Enslaved And few other bands, I couldn’t have missed this one for anything.

Though I am more into bands like Meshuggah, SiKth, Miss May I, Parkway Drive, BMTH, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, and Slipknot now, I however still have huge respect and love for KORN. After all, everything started from them.

KORN!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are friggin KORN after all.

Everything started with KORN, from my baby step into learning music to a giant leap into making a band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, KORN is the first band to inspire me to put together a team of few musicians and create a band, the rest of inspiration from other bands came way after KORN. Now I reckon you probably didn’t know that I have a band!!!!!! Okay, so yeah……. I do play in a band or rather sing in a band, a very small time band. Recorded few songs and played quite a good number of gigs in town, however not as much active anymore.

I’d just leave it there; we can probably talk about my band some other time. Let’s get back to business and let’s get back to KORN!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, all set to see KORN in person, see them sing in from of me. Friggin excited!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, I haven’t been to concerts in like ages, so I am kind of anxious about it. The last I remember was going to GIR to watch Meshuggah and that’s been like years.

The show was scheduled to start at 4pm, and it was already 4.30. Still waiting for a friend, who was supposed to go with us. So you could imagine how restless I was. Waiting for someone is not an easy thing to do, especially when you are in a hurry.

I was so friggin eager to get to the venue; I must have called him more than 10 times in like 20 minutes.

Godddddddddddddddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is it so friggin hard to wait on someone????????????

Finally, he decides to show up, and we are all ready. Now the big question. How will we go there? First, my car’s been pretty fucked lately and auto doesn’t go till there, so we decided to take a cab instead.

Dead silence inside the cab, bar little sarcasm coming out from my mouth directed towards my friend. I can be that mean sometimes!!!!!! I was kinda pissed to be honest; I was afraid we’d probably miss a good chunk of the show.

We reached the venue at 6pm. To my surprise a huge crowd was still outside. I could hear a band performing, and I knew it had to be Boomarang. So, we didn’t even bother to go in. We stayed out for a while and then entered the scene once it started getting dark. Concerts are much better at night.

Inside now and I can feel the atmosphere, it’s great to see people dressed in black, coming together for one purpose. ROCK!!!!!!!!!!! After a long time, I felt like I’m home.

The smell of weed and beer all over, did I tell you we all got a Budweiser beer vouchers with every tickets??? We did and sad none of us wanted to drink!!!!!!!!! On other days I would have just avoided places like this but I do make exceptions when it comes to concerts and stuff.

After a while, KORN graced the stage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY FUCKIN GOOD LORD!!!!!!!!!! Pinch me!!!!!!

I am going like friggin crazy!!!!!!!!!

They started off with “Narcissistic cannibal”, and trust me; they won me all over again. Fieldy, Munky, Jonathan Davis…. I so friggin love them. But I kind missed Head and David Silveria. I have been guilty of not listening to KORN much ever since “Head” left. So, I didn’t even know few of the new songs they played, but who gives a fuck!!!!!!!!!!!

Just going wild on each song, whether I know it or not. I couldn’t care less about the lyrics, just the music and presence of KORN was enough to get me high.

Headbanging, getting inside the moshpit, beer spilling all over me…. Proper insanity!!!!!!!!

The best part however, my friend, well, he’s not a KORN fan, but came because he’s never been to a concert. Honestly he didn’t know a single shit they played. But when they started “Another brick in the wall” oh yeah, he knew this song and I could hear him singing that!!!!!!!! He just got out of control!!!!!!!! Funny to say the least!!!!!!

After a mix of old and new songs, KORN ended the night with the all time favorite and never failing to create a moshpit regardless of the timing song “Blind”. This is a song very close to me, as this is one of the two songs that we used to play, the other being “Y’all wanna single”, which sadly they did not play.

I was kinda emotional and just couldn’t stop myself from missing the good old days.

Question. Have you ever felt so emotional that you’d just shed tears, when you see or hear something that inspired you for so many years???

If YES, then you would probably know what I am talking about. I would be honest here; I just couldn’t stop my tears on this one. Seeing KORN was a dream come true for me and it brought me back old the memories that I had almost forgotten. I miss my peers!!!!!!!!!!!

After two hours of nonstop headbanging, shouting and screaming, KORN bid goodbye to everyone. Sore throat, stiff neck and aching body, not to mention the thousands of INR, at the end of Page 250/366 it was all worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, lived one my dreams and in fact dreams do come true. At the right time and a right place.

See you again soon, till then take care and stay safe. Au Revior.