AHMEDABAD DIARIES: CHAPTER XII THIS TOO SHALL PASS

“Good times and bad times have a similarity, both will pass away. It’s upto us to learn and cherish everything that life gives us.”

These are words that a friend said to me a while back. Not that I did not pay attention to it, but I never thought that I would need to imply this or keep it in my mind in any way. Well, this is life. It brings you to moments you least expect, sometimes experiences that you learn from albeit the hard way. We all go through it, and I am no different from the others.

So, the year has started on a good note, though I still don’t wanna be overtly positive about things. Not that I don’t trust my stars, but simply because, life is better when it throws everything at you. Good times or bad times. Everything has a meaning and everything makes it beautiful. Imagine life without sadness. Have you ever tried? Well, I have. And let me tell you, it doesn’t look or sounds interesting to say the least. If we don’t go through sad times then we won’t simply realize the value of good times and we might not cherish them just as much.

So… after some sense of positivity I am back at this place and living my normal life of a banker, which is not exciting at all. But still I kinda enjoy it. It has its fun, let me tell you. It’s been a week and everything seems normal. There seem to be nothing wrong apart from me missing home and certain things. I knew however that missing those things will be a part of my life for a long time to come. Not exactly prepared for it, still I kinda know I would have to deal with it, whether I like it or not.

It’s been a week of waking up early in the morning, going to work, coming back in the evening, talking on the phone, feeling nostalgic and then go to bed with a heavy heart knowing that it’ll all be the same the next morning. Still, it seemed kind of normal to me, for a reason that nothing really untoward has happened so far. No major incident that’d shake anything. So I was fine and I think I was pretty much up for wherever life leads me.

Just when I thought finally lady luck is smiling on me, something happened. Something, I never thought would happen, something I thought I had taken care of or should I say something I thought I sorted out long time back. But it was not.  It’s clearly my mistake though and I will not hesitate to admit that I was wrong in it. I should have done better. Though misunderstanding has a huge part to play, but I wouldn’t still put everything on it, because I know had I done better this would never have occurred. This would never have happened.

My inability to deal with certain things or my inability to come clean has led to all this and I knew that this time I am done for. Everyone close to me did not like what happened and how it happened. They didn’t really wanted to blame me straight but I could feel their disappointment. Honestly, I did just that. Disappoint everyone. That said, I had to find a way to make it all alright and fight with my own consciousness and convince myself to do what is right and what I wanted. I knew it was never going to be easy and I knew this will take longer than I expect.

Still I gathered the courage and talked straight to everyone, no matter how they felt I just talked to them. I knew the only way I am gonna get away with this is by sorting it out and by doing what is required. I was ready for it. I knew it was my mistake and I knew the only person who needs to correct is, me. It was my problem and I had to deal with it.I could not expect anyone else to do it for me anyway.

So I tried. As I had said to myself “This year is the year of maning up. No more running away.” So that is how I am going to deal with things. Just admit it and face it. So I did. Facing them however was not pretty. It was never going to be pretty anyway, but it was something that’s needed to be done at any cost.

Few days passed and things are better, seems they are okay with things though I still don’t think I have been forgiven. I know it is going to take time and I am okay with the waiting. After all, my mistake, my arse and their stick. So I am okay with the punishment and I think my punishment is to feel guilty and realize what I have done is not cool at all.

Constantly talking to them, constantly convincing myself and hanging on to it. Though there were times when I seriously gave disappearing a thought, still wanted to give everything another chance on the other hand. I was kind of waging an inner battle with my own self. One trying to convince to face everything and sort it out, which is in fact the best solution, while the other constantly telling to stop everything, no more Facebook, G+, Twitter and even phones. Just wane away, everyone will be happy and things will be so much better. That kind of became every night’s routine before sleeping. Thinking for long hours, talking to myself and sometimes trying my best to stop those tears. Days have not been kind to me so far, though there still was a reason to smile and cheer about. However, human as I am, always looking at the bad ones while I should rather be focusing on the bright side. This always happens to me and this time too is not so different. There were some kind people along the way, who threw kind words and advices at me, which I’d say I accepted with both hands and I am really thankful for those words. They meant a lot to me then and they mean a lot to me now. Had those words not been there, or had those people not been there, I am not sure what would have happened to me. In no way I am being melodramatic, but I just know myself a bit too well and I have this tendency of doing things without a second thought. Yeah, I have done a lot of things, which I regret later but out of my pride and ego, never showed any sign of penitence or anything of that sort. That’s how I am. Hard to understand.

In between these moments, I squeeze in about 8 hours of work every day.  In all honesty, I kinda like going to work every day, as it takes my mind off from it while I work. It’s been about a week and I am better than before, but not entirely alright. My sister’s coming from England this week after about 5 years, though I am really excited about it, I think I will give it a skip this time and take my chances if she comes back again some other time. I know it’s not gonna happen very soon and if I miss this then I would probably have to wait for another 2-3 years at least, but I guess that’s the only choice I have. I can’t see anyone just yet. I am not ready.

But on the other hand, there is a part of me that says, I cannot miss it for anything. It’s gonna be a family re-union in like nine or ten years and I really want to and need to be there. So, after the dilemma last week, I am up against another quandary, i.e. whether to go or not. Whatever I decide I know it would need a lot of convincing. I am trying my best to convince myself on a decision, but let’s see what happens.

Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Cliché. I know, but right now I seem to connect with it more than ever. Hard are the days and it’s even harder to fix every mess that has been created, days are not kind and nights… Hmmmmmm…. Better not to talk about them.

But as they say, “At the end of a storm, there’s a golden sky” I seriously hope that this time there is one. And as I said I don’t wanna be extremely confident about things, but I sincerely believe that “This too shall pass”.

That’s it for now and I hope next time I see you; I greet you with a smile. Till then take care and stay safe. Blessings.

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. – Everyone’s entitled to make mistakes, so am I. And everyone has the right to be forgiven and I hope I am forgiven too.

AHMEDABAD DIARIES: CHAPTER X THE WEEK CONTINUES

“There are places I remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all.”

It had been a really great week for me and still I wanted more. I do sometimes feel kind of greedy when it comes to moments like these. You know, these are the moments I live for, I guess these are the memories everyone lives for. All the way back, I was thinking what if I was not able to come home, what if I was not able to make it? I would have missed out on all these things. On one hand I was happy that I did and on the other hand I was sad that it will have to come to an end, well at least temporarily. Still it had to end and I would have to leave soon. With mixed emotions I walked till home. All the way still wishing for things that probably might not be granted. still wishing though, who knows a miracle might just happen.

So, there was I, lying in my bed and thinking, whishing and praying if only I had one more day. We talked on the phones, and all the while I was wishing, if only I could see her face one more time. I so wanted that to happen, that I even made a pact with God that if he gives me another chance to see her, then I will not ask for anything more but be a very good boy through the year. Well, it might sound funny but that's what I did.

So, I woke up in the morning still wishing if something happens. A miracle maybe. And guess what happened. Yeah, you can call it a miracle, because I call it miracle. Trust me, miracles do happen and I saw it. I was supposed to leave at 1 pm. Everything was set, and my uncle was supposed to get my ticket done, which he forgot to. So, there i was, all packed up and ready to go without ticket. After a long discussion with mom and dad and they said, it'll be better if I stayed for one more day, then get a ticket and leave the next night. So, all sorted and ticket for the next day taken. I could believe my luck; I was not even sure whether to call it luck or a miracle. Whatever you might wanna call it, it sure made me happy, ecstatic to say the least. So, my prayers answered and I am ready to meet her once again. So we met, talked and spent time with each other till evening. It was quite cold to be honest and I, with my sinus problem, did not seem to mind anything at all. Maybe it was because all that mattered was us and nothing else. Yeah, we did create memories. We sure did.

But as they say, every good thing must come to an end. So did it had to. It was time to say goodbye. I wasn't ready, neither was she. But it had to be done. So, I went to drop her. Being with her gave me so much happiness that I wished I just could stop everything right there and stay in that moment forever. Hmmmmm... But i know that's just a bit bookish, still that's how I felt. I do sometimes, wish for and feel things I usually bookish, or even Korean filmish. Sometimes everyone is entitled to wish for those moments though. These are memories and the sweeter, the better it is.

So, we reached her house, I am still in no mood to let her go, though she didn't want to go either. There was no other option for us as well. After all we do live separate lives and with our family. So, with a bit of sadness and profound joy, we bid goodbye. The goodbye though was said in a special way. I told you I always hated goodbyes, but this goodbye meant a lot more than a farewell. This goodbye was more of a promise that she will be waiting for me, a promise that she will be true to me. It was a promise that she will miss me. Every goodbye has its own story and so did this one too. This Goodbye tells a story of a kid who grew up to be a man, to take care of someone. The kid who always needed to be taken care of has finally grown. This goodbye showed this kid, who has always been lost in self-sympathy that he indeed is beautiful the way he is. This goodbye brought tears to my eyes; the only difference was the feeling. This time I was rather happy than sad. In short, you could say that his goodbye came as a blessing and a realization. Had it not been for this goodbye, I don't think I would be smiling right now.

So, goodbyes said and I am ready to leave. Yeah.... once again, leaving has always been hard and I did not expect this one to be any easier either. I however was kinda prepared for it, so this time I was in control. And I don't know why, but I had this feeling that I'd be back sooner rather than later lifted the gloom. Reached the railway station and this time around, I really did not need anyone to drop me as well. I guess the past month has made me a bit stronger than what I was.

Waiting for the train, talking on the phone, the chill in the air and that certain feeling of loneliness amidst the crowd inside. Hmmmmmmm….. I knew it was going to be a long journey for me. Some goodbyes leave a void, so did it. Goodbyes always do. But this time around it was not one of those goodbyes that brought tears and sadness. Of course sadness will always be there, this time however it was much easier to take it.

This is how the week had been to me. Oh yeah, and Forgot to tell you, during this weeks’ time, Liverpool FC played 3 matches, won all of them and Suarez scored in all of them. All in all this week had been really good to me, I couldn't have asked for a better way to bid farewell to 2012 and welcome 2013. Everything about this was so special; I honestly don’t have any words to describe it. You know, I am not good at all these things, but I can deffo assure you that this week has been one of the best of my life so far. It certainly had its ups and downs and there were times when I thought things could have been better, nothing however is perfect and I did not expect this week to be either. I always prepared myself for moments like these, so it was okay. And I am ready to let go of all those moments for the sake of memories we created. For the first time in my life, I have embraced happiness more than sadness. Another change in me, I should say and this one too, is pretty welcomed.

So, now I am in the train and set to embark on a new chapter and continue my stay in Dahod. I know a lot of new things will come my way and I am ready to take everything that life throws and pick up what's good and leave what bad. So, I am ready to be the man. Oh well, once again.

Holidays over and it's back to work again. It will be hectic but I will still take time out to continue the Diary. Till then stay safe and take care.

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. - I still miss the goodbye. I wish I didn't have to say it, but if I have to say it then I would want to say it the way I said this Goodbye.

AHMEDABAD DIARIES: CHAPTER XI SECOND COMING

The train rolled on and I am still thinking about everything that I did during the week I spent in Delhi. It had been nothing short of a wonderful experience. I kinda miss everything already. The worst part is realizing that I will not be able to return home soon. It’s that feeling once again, the feeling of being alone and no one really to turn to. I mean, I can call my folks back home, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I know their wishes and prayers are with me but sometimes I wish they were physically there. Sometimes I wish if only I can talk in person with them.

I knew this was going to be a long night and a long journey for me. And worst, I will have to go to work when I reach there. By this time however, I was very much comfortable with travelling alone and my love story with Indian Railways dates back to quite long back now. Had it just been a week’s trip or something, I would have enjoyed travellingalone, but knowing that I will be there posted for at least 3-4 month made it a bit hard. But I am okay, it needs to be done, so it needs to be done in anyway. Whether I like it or not. And yeah, this time, no tears. Just a few drops, that came out of happiness I reckon. Now I know what they mean when they say, they cried tears of joy. This was it.

Bought some books to read while travelling, however a fellow passenger didn’t like keeping the lights on after 10pm because she couldn’t sleep under light though she had her entire face covered by a blanket. Lights out. What am I gonna do now, I mean I wouldn’t be able to sleep that soon anyway. Talked on the phone for a while, but battery was dying so kept it inside the pocket and laid down, closing my eyes. I guess it took me about an hour or two to sleep. Woke up quite early, after all it’s not easy to sleep in a train after 5 am. If you don’t have any idea about it, then I recommend you try it out once and you’ll know it. So I woke up but still laid down closing my eyes, and all the while thinking how things would have been and what I could have done, had I not been posted here.

The train was late for about 2 hours so, reached Dahod at 11 am. I had switched off my phone, because it creates a problem when the battery dies down completely. There were no charging ports as well, so I thought I will call my folks when I reach home and charge it. Was still kind of lost in thoughts, suddenly I realized my station had come. I had to hurry as it doesn’t stop for long and quite a few people were also getting down. So, I took my baggage and got down. In the process I broke my glass, well not exactly broke it, but one of the sticks came out. Reached home. First thing, I need to charge my phone. I couldn’t find the charger then I realized that I never put it back in the bag after taking it out last night. FUCK!!!! I forgot the charger in the train and couldn’t find my spare charger which I kept in the room before leaving. What am I gonna do now. I knew my parents would be worried about me.

Took bath, changed and I set out to go to office, but before that I had to go and buy a charger and get my glasses fixed. Took and auto, asked him what I needed to do and where I needed to go, so he took me. It took about 30 minutes to do all that; we had to look for the shops and stuff, but the Autowallah just asked me for twenty bucks. I expected him to ask for more than that. But, I am happy. Got everything fixed, bought the charger and now on my way to the office. Reached the office and it was 30 past noon.

Okay. Not so eager to get in. I took a leave telling them that I’d be back by 27^th and I didn’t even call them to let them know that I am going to extend my stay in Delhi. I kinda got the idea that my Manager would not be very happy about it. But you know, I had to get in anyway and report. So I did. I straight went into the manager’s cabin, he looked at me and I could see he was not very happy about everything.

He: Where have you been, you told us you’d come back by 27^th. (He said it in a stern voice, I was kinda expecting that, but still I was nervous and I didn’t know what to do or say)

Me: Ummmmm…. I just couldn’t come. (I just smile while I said it. Honestly, I did not know what else to do.)

I guess my smile worked wonders for me.

He: You should have informed us.

I could hear his voice softening, so I knew that my smile has done the trick for me. But on a serious note, I again did not know what to do. I just looked at him for a while. Then,

Me: It’s a long story. I should have called but I couldn’t.

My nephew had thrown my phone from our balcony; we live on the second floor mind you. It was only late at night when I realized my phone is missing. Looked for it downstairs the next morning but did not find it. It had all my official contacts. I couldn’t do anything about it as well; after all, my nephew is just a year and a half old.

He: How was it?

Me: It was nice just a bit too cold for my liking. It’s the coldest winter in Delhi for a while now.

Yeah, I have a sinus problem, so winters are always a problem, though I like it better than summers.

He: How was Christmas and New Year? Did you have good time with family?

Me: Yeah, they were all good. I really enjoyed my time out there. It feels great to get to spend days like these with family.

He: Yeah. Even I would love to spend Diwali’s with family every year, but this job just doesn’t allow it. Good that you are back now. There is a lot that’s waiting for you. If you wanna rest, then just sign the attendance register and go home.

Me: It’s okay. I will go in the evening and thank you.

So, after a week, I took my desk and once again, I am back to being the Assistant manager in my bank. After the holidays, it seemed like things are back to normal now. These days normal for me means, being away from home, going to work every day in the morning and coming back in the evening, missing family and friends, talking to my roommates, sleeping early and then waking up early. This is normal and getting to spend some time with my family, being at home and waking up late is a luxury for me now.

After a long and tiring day, reached home in the evening. I was greeted quite warmly by my roommates, who had been waiting for me. Because I guess they had some plans and it was waiting for me. I guess it was one of my roommates birthday on the 2^nd of January, they had planned to eat out earlier, but then thought it’d be better if they waited for me. So they did. It was kinda nice of them to do. Honestly, I liked what they did.
So…………..Here I am, back to the place and back to everything that is normal now. Well at least to me. Hmmmmm….. It’s gonna take another week or two to get used to of everything once again. I will need to start everything all over again, but I am ready. This is the year of facing the worst with a smile for me. So I will do it.
It feels like a second coming and things don’t look to be so strange, after all I have already spent a month and a half here already. So I kinda know a thing or two about this place now, after all, it’s just a small city. I am here once again, which mean for one more time I will have to walk on, with hope in my heart.

That’s it, for now. I will see you very soon. Till then, take care and stay safe.

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. – It’s just been about 3-4 days, but I already miss everything. I am missing, my home, family, friends, Delhi and I AM MISSING YOU.