“Good times and bad times have a similarity, both will pass away. It’s upto us to learn and cherish everything that life gives us.”
These are words that a friend said to me a while back. Not that I did not pay attention to it, but I never thought that I would need to imply this or keep it in my mind in any way. Well, this is life. It brings you to moments you least expect, sometimes experiences that you learn from albeit the hard way. We all go through it, and I am no different from the others.
So, the year has started on a good note, though I still don’t wanna be overtly positive about things. Not that I don’t trust my stars, but simply because, life is better when it throws everything at you. Good times or bad times. Everything has a meaning and everything makes it beautiful. Imagine life without sadness. Have you ever tried? Well, I have. And let me tell you, it doesn’t look or sounds interesting to say the least. If we don’t go through sad times then we won’t simply realize the value of good times and we might not cherish them just as much.
So… after some sense of positivity I am back at this place and living my normal life of a banker, which is not exciting at all. But still I kinda enjoy it. It has its fun, let me tell you. It’s been a week and everything seems normal. There seem to be nothing wrong apart from me missing home and certain things. I knew however that missing those things will be a part of my life for a long time to come. Not exactly prepared for it, still I kinda know I would have to deal with it, whether I like it or not.
It’s been a week of waking up early in the morning, going to work, coming back in the evening, talking on the phone, feeling nostalgic and then go to bed with a heavy heart knowing that it’ll all be the same the next morning. Still, it seemed kind of normal to me, for a reason that nothing really untoward has happened so far. No major incident that’d shake anything. So I was fine and I think I was pretty much up for wherever life leads me.
Just when I thought finally lady luck is smiling on me, something happened. Something, I never thought would happen, something I thought I had taken care of or should I say something I thought I sorted out long time back. But it was not. It’s clearly my mistake though and I will not hesitate to admit that I was wrong in it. I should have done better. Though misunderstanding has a huge part to play, but I wouldn’t still put everything on it, because I know had I done better this would never have occurred. This would never have happened.
My inability to deal with certain things or my inability to come clean has led to all this and I knew that this time I am done for. Everyone close to me did not like what happened and how it happened. They didn’t really wanted to blame me straight but I could feel their disappointment. Honestly, I did just that. Disappoint everyone. That said, I had to find a way to make it all alright and fight with my own consciousness and convince myself to do what is right and what I wanted. I knew it was never going to be easy and I knew this will take longer than I expect.
Still I gathered the courage and talked straight to everyone, no matter how they felt I just talked to them. I knew the only way I am gonna get away with this is by sorting it out and by doing what is required. I was ready for it. I knew it was my mistake and I knew the only person who needs to correct is, me. It was my problem and I had to deal with it.I could not expect anyone else to do it for me anyway.
So I tried. As I had said to myself “This year is the year of maning up. No more running away.” So that is how I am going to deal with things. Just admit it and face it. So I did. Facing them however was not pretty. It was never going to be pretty anyway, but it was something that’s needed to be done at any cost.
Few days passed and things are better, seems they are okay with things though I still don’t think I have been forgiven. I know it is going to take time and I am okay with the waiting. After all, my mistake, my arse and their stick. So I am okay with the punishment and I think my punishment is to feel guilty and realize what I have done is not cool at all.
Constantly talking to them, constantly convincing myself and hanging on to it. Though there were times when I seriously gave disappearing a thought, still wanted to give everything another chance on the other hand. I was kind of waging an inner battle with my own self. One trying to convince to face everything and sort it out, which is in fact the best solution, while the other constantly telling to stop everything, no more Facebook, G+, Twitter and even phones. Just wane away, everyone will be happy and things will be so much better. That kind of became every night’s routine before sleeping. Thinking for long hours, talking to myself and sometimes trying my best to stop those tears. Days have not been kind to me so far, though there still was a reason to smile and cheer about. However, human as I am, always looking at the bad ones while I should rather be focusing on the bright side. This always happens to me and this time too is not so different. There were some kind people along the way, who threw kind words and advices at me, which I’d say I accepted with both hands and I am really thankful for those words. They meant a lot to me then and they mean a lot to me now. Had those words not been there, or had those people not been there, I am not sure what would have happened to me. In no way I am being melodramatic, but I just know myself a bit too well and I have this tendency of doing things without a second thought. Yeah, I have done a lot of things, which I regret later but out of my pride and ego, never showed any sign of penitence or anything of that sort. That’s how I am. Hard to understand.
In between these moments, I squeeze in about 8 hours of work every day. In all honesty, I kinda like going to work every day, as it takes my mind off from it while I work. It’s been about a week and I am better than before, but not entirely alright. My sister’s coming from England this week after about 5 years, though I am really excited about it, I think I will give it a skip this time and take my chances if she comes back again some other time. I know it’s not gonna happen very soon and if I miss this then I would probably have to wait for another 2-3 years at least, but I guess that’s the only choice I have. I can’t see anyone just yet. I am not ready.
But on the other hand, there is a part of me that says, I cannot miss it for anything. It’s gonna be a family re-union in like nine or ten years and I really want to and need to be there. So, after the dilemma last week, I am up against another quandary, i.e. whether to go or not. Whatever I decide I know it would need a lot of convincing. I am trying my best to convince myself on a decision, but let’s see what happens.
Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Cliché. I know, but right now I seem to connect with it more than ever. Hard are the days and it’s even harder to fix every mess that has been created, days are not kind and nights… Hmmmmmm…. Better not to talk about them.
But as they say, “At the end of a storm, there’s a golden sky” I seriously hope that this time there is one. And as I said I don’t wanna be extremely confident about things, but I sincerely believe that “This too shall pass”.
Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. – Everyone’s entitled to make mistakes, so am I. And everyone has the right to be forgiven and I hope I am forgiven too.
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