IF ONLY I HAD ONE WISH......

It's just so funny. People who do trust must think that I am crazy and infact I really am. Crazy I might be, but I can honestly say that I trust no one, not especially after what I have gone through in the recent times - and I HATE this feeling. I am so scared to trust anyone, that I just can't bring my walls down.

I wouldn't say that I have put my trust in some of the WORST people on earth but I have had my heart handed back, not only shredded, ripped, barbecued but skewered and served back to me by the people I trusted the most. 

Even though, every time I have let my guard down and let someone in, it's bitten me in the arse. In short you could say that every time I trusted someone, I have always been made to regret my decision. Not that I'm saying that I am and have been through the worst times, but yeah, it surely is the phase that I am not enjoying at the moment.

I think that if I had ONE wish right now - if God could hear just ONE wish from me -- I would probably ask for someone I can talk to, someone I can look up to when the world turns against me, one person that I can trust - who wants nothing in return.  The kind of person who you can call at 3am with no worries, can show up and talk to at anytime. The kind that smiles when you come to see them.

I know that this isn't going to happen and I know that if anyone could have one wish from God, it should be to stop all wars, end homelessness, feed the poor, have world peace or something of that kind.

I guess today I am being selfish and I know it. But sometimes you gotta be selfish to get what you want.

JUST MY THOUGHTS!!!!!!!!! Volume II

Okay, so I am back again. Hmmmmmm...... Where do I start from? So friggin lost right now!! You know, life is testing me right and trust me it's not fun. But how would you know, I haven't friggin told you anything!! Well you know I am just lost right now. And if, when I finish the whole thing doesn't make sense then I think I've deffo lost it.

Where do I begin?? Let me think! Let me think! Okay.. Got it!!! It's not gonna be very interesting though. Honestly, it might just be another boring stuff that comes out of my mind. And if you don't like what I write, then it's highly advisable that you just skip it!! Thank you.

Alright!! So first of all, it hasn't been very pleasant few months for me and I have been kind of struggling to see the end of the day every day. Not cool!! Not friggin cool at all!!! You must be wondering..But why the fuck am I telling you all this?? It's simple, I have no other place to go to and no one else to turn to. Life sometimes isn't fair to everyone, though I wouldn't call it unfair to me, because I have had my fair share of fun. But on a serious note, it's not fair to everyone. There I friggin said it!!!! I had been refraining myself from saying this all my life. Finally it has come out!!!! Maybe it was overdue!! Who cares anyways!!! Almost forgot, we were talking about me and how things has been for past few days. Okay!! So here's how it is.

First of all, things are not what they seem and it's friggin annoying and second of all, I am tired of working me Arse off to please people around me, while they hardly care about it!!!  I sometimes think if people even know that I exist!!!! On the other hand, I guess that was just a bit too much. It's even made me laugh!!! I'd like to correct myself here. People do know that I exist but most of them don't even care. Okay, that's the right way to put it my boy.

Ah fuck!!! I always have this tendency to drift away from where I started, maybe that's the reason why I wouldn't be a great writer in my life. EVER!!!! So, as I was saying, I hope you are listening though!! It's annoying, and trust me it's friggin annoys the shit out of me. Yeah, you guessed it right!! I cry and whine too much, I know it. But I can't help it. Honestly, I am just as much tired of putting the fake smile everyday and pretend that everything is okay, when nothing is O-Fucking-Kay!!!!. Yeah, I am pretentious, and who knows it better than me!! Pretending however helps me sometimes and I am happy with it. Sometimes it hurts though to hear people saying something or rather promising something and doing something else. I mean expectation is a bitch!!!! And I have a knack of believing what people tell me, maybe because I don't usually shit around with people.

I believe this is enough for one day!! We shall continue with this soon!! Maybe when I am in a mood or when I get time!! You see I am kinda busy with fixing few things and sorting out my life. So until the next time, take care and stay safe. I shall see you soon. Adios!!!!

JUST MY THOUGHTS???? MAYBE NOT.......

It's been a while since I have not written here. Well, it's not because I didn't wanted to write, but more so because I didn't have the time and there was a lot going through my mind. So, I thought of taking a break would be the best solution, however it's not.

I have been thinking and looking back at how things have shaped up in my life so far. It's strange to see how things changed so swiftly, with a blink of an eye everything that I knew was gone. Here I am stranded in my own thoughts, mostly about what prompted these changes? Is it for the better? I don't know, however it hurts a lot, that's for sure. Am I coping with it well? No. It's a simple answer for me. I haven't been through the best of times lately. Though there is not much I can change about it, I do hope that it gets better. If it does I’d think that yes, life after all is fair to everyone.

It’s saddening to see, or rather strange to see how small things can change life completely. One minute I felt important and worth, and the other it was all gone. The feeling of being unwanted, which has haunted me over the years have once again crept up. Times have changed and so did you, I might have made some mistakes for sure but I never intended neither did I ever wanted life to be this way. Yeah, I know I am a fool, oh wait!!! That’s an understatement, I am a freaking twat, and I know it!!!!!! All I wished was things to get better and I thought I was going in the right direction; however I guess our destinies were different from the beginning or maybe we were not meant to be.

It’s always never a great feeling to see people parting, especially when they mean so much. It hurts to be honest. Yeah it did. I have always been a great advocate for change but not this time. This is one thing that I dread the most and honestly, I could be much happier without it. But then again it’s just me!!!! I don’t control my stars neither do I control anybody else’. Life’s twists and turns, no one ever understood it neither anyone ever will. Right now it all seems like a movie; I mean all the dramas and the controversies. Jokingly I once told a friend “if life doesn’t have the dramas then what’s good in it?”
There is copiousness of drama right now and trust me, i was so wrong. It's not good at all and I'm surely not enjoying it.

Reading what I wrote back and forth and I am still not sure what I want to write or what is the whole purpose of writing this. One thing however is for sure, that I am a sucker when it comes to writing and all I needed was a way to just get few things out of my head, which I did. A bit relieved now, however not happy. I always believed that everything happens for the good and I will stick to my belief. As they say “If it’s not happy then it’s not the end.. It’s just the beginning of good things to come” I’d always hope that it is, in fact just the beginning.

A GOOD LIFE....

It happened a while ago, while I was at this youth fellowship. I was supposed to give message there, which has always been a bummer as I have never been one of those people who can stand in front of people and talk, not to mention getting their attention, which is a far cry. If you see me for real then you will know where I am getting at.

However, as it was, I felt sort of stuck there without any escape route. I stood up anyway with no prefixed ideas, thanks to some quick thinking though, which doesn’t come to me very often but I guess it was my lucky day.

So I began with a question to everyone “What I s that one decision you took in your life that has made you proud?”

Ok, the deal was everyone would just stand up and share something with everyone present there. I began with saying “The best decision so far in my life that I can still recall with much pride would be deciding to stay strong, love a lot and give as much as possible. There are a lot of things I have done that I am not proud of, but this decision has changed my life.” 

Everyone thankfully participated and shared experiences with each other. Some talked about quitting smoking and drinking while others talked about how making sure to attend church has changed their lives. There were others, not to mention who didn’t seem much interested in it, still talked about how decision to not bunk school or career choices has made them proud.

Amidst all this, there was one guy who really took interest in the topic; well you can say that he was one of the few sober guys around. His words:

“Look at yourself, think about how you are leading your life and then picture yourself as a parent whose child is leading the same lifestyle, then ask yourself, would that make me a happy parent?

Still inspires me in a lot of way and yes, it was quite overwhelming.

“If you don’t want that to happen to yourself then think about it, it’s not too late to start again. Parents know what we do, they might not say anything about it, but it surely hurts them.” He further added. That would be his ending note as well, quite impressive to say the least.

Yes life is too short, so take a deep breath, stop whatever you are doing, take time out and think about how you are leading your life. This life, as I said is short, really short to hurt people who loves you the most, instead let them know that you love them through actions or through words. Just go all out, who knows these small things might mean the world to them.

Whatever you do affects the people around you in a lot of ways and I am sure you don’t want them to be affected in a negative way. Think before you do anything; think about the consequences they will bring forth. Always remember it’s your life, you have the freedom to live it the way it pleases you  however it’s not just about you. Your life is connected to a lot of people who care about you, some might show it while others just choose to be silent about it, but that doesn’t mean they care less about you. They just love you as much; they just have a different way of showing it.

Life is short, love freely and give as much as you can and it will surely help you lead a good life.

THE DAY THAT WAS......

It’s been a while since I have been trying to write something meaningful and worthwhile.  I had thought about some great topics and stuff on my bed yesterday before sleeping. And I woke up in the morning and Pfffff!!! It’s all gone. It all vanished in the thin air like a vapor. What can I possibly do now, that was my plan from yesterday, that I would write something and post it on my blog. All the hard work that I had put in thinking about all those topics has come to nothing.

It’s so annoying when it happens. I mean really annoying, almost on the verge of screaming WTF however that would not do any good to me as well, so I decided I’m gonna eat breakfast and read paper for a long time and then maybe listen to music and stuff or I could possibly hang around on the net and chill, well that was what I had In my mind. Little did I know that the day has something else in stores for me. There was no warning, neither was there a sign for it. After spending a while with the newspaper I realized that this is not one of those normal days.

Before I get into anything else, let me just  ask you, have you ever had a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in your life, to your homeland, or family and friends. Have you ever felt a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time? That is what has struck me today. In other words we call it nostalgia. Loneliness was the story of the day for me. Tried everything in my power to just shoo it off however, failed miserably. Thought of just shouting at it “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND”, but then again, who am I kidding?

Ok, so now there I said it….. YES I AM MISSING YOU!!!!  It’s not an easy feeling when I know that I can’t be with you, in all honesty that SUCKS!!! Yes and it does a big time. “You should have given me warning or at least a sign!!! That is not fucking fair” That was all that’s in my mind the entire day. Yes, it was really not fair in all honesty, I mean come on, and the day was bright and lovely. A perfect day to enjoy an outing with friends or something. Here I am, inside my room with no plans whatsoever, thinking about you and not even sure if you are doing the same or not, So, I decided to beat it off by listening to my all time tried and tested (not to forget my all time favorite as well) band Rage Against The Machine, which always helps me when I am not in the right state of mind. Listening to good old Rage Against The Machine also did not help, that means it’s more fucked up than I thought. Here is a small example to explain the severity of the situation, had a certain someone I loathe most visited me, he or she would have been welcomed with a warm hug today. That’s how it was.

What can I possibly do to keep me away from this or maybe keep me distracted, and trust me when you need ideas nothing comes to mind and when you don’t need it then there is a plethora of it. In short my mind is firing blanks right now. Ughhh!! I hate when it happens and sadly, it does all the time. Tried listening to song that I really love as I said before Rage Against The Machine has failed to help. To tell you the truth I woke up at 11am in the morning, which is quite late but the day was awfully long, the longest day of this year so far. Nothing I do would please me, so I just sat and did nothing. And guess what? That did not help either. I sat on my chair and waited for a miracle to happen. And you know what? That Fucking did not happen!! That Sucks!! Big time. I know and maybe you also know it, so I don’t think I need to explain why. This has been the story of this day which is now officially the worst day of 2012 so far for me. If the day has been good for you, then you are mega lucky!! And I am so fucking jealous of you right now. But whatever, who cares now!!! This day will never be forgotten though, for reason more sad than happy!!

RANDOM THOUGHTS OF CONFLICTING MIND

I am just an ordinary boy, ordinary looks and very ordinary mind. I am not one of those with loud voices or maybe flashy attitude, rather I am one of those who would just stay quiet and go about my work without bothering anyone around me. For a lot of people it is a sign of being a “Loser” and I don’t really mind if they call me one, because may be I am a “Loser”. Talk about how I look, I am not one of those who would floor you at one glance or I might not even be worthy of a second glance. Sad it may be but that is what I am. Am I happy with it? Not much, but yes, still not complaining. So I guess I am okay to be who I am.  I see people around me, kids my age hanging out in groups and going out for movies and concerts. Do I envy them? Yes, I do, a lot of times. I envy guys my age who are popular because of their looks or the things they can do like playing football, guitars and sing. But there is nothing I can possibly do to change who I am or how things are in my life. I just have to learn to live with it and understand that I am who I am for a reason. Then I look at people on the street, homeless kids, people around my age or maybe older than me, begging or selling books at traffic lights. Which never is a pleasant sight to see, but yes it shows that I am lucky to have a roof over my head and loving parents to take care of me. So, I guess all is not that bad in my world.

If I talk about confidence in me, there is only one way to explain it. I cannot even look at a girl straight when I talk to her and I wouldn't even dare to utter a word out of my mouth if I am meeting them for the first time.  It is not because I don’t want to talk or I don’t like talking to them, but that is who I am. Do I feel happy about it? I guess not. However, I have been lucky with great friends here and there, who have helped me throughout this life. Who have been there when things were not quite alright.  So I won’t complain about it either. 

If I talk about how my life has been so far, I can assure you that it would not be a pleasant recap to what I have been. There are a lot of things I have done that I am not proud of. Things that I wish I could change and would not mind if they were erased from my memories as well. I do feel sad and hurt when I think about all that has happened. There were things that did not go my way and life has not gone the way I had wanted it more often than not. Am I happy with the way my life has shaped up so far? I can’t probably say that I am happy but yes, I sure am satisfied with everything. Things could have gone from bad to worse. I am not proud of what I have been, but  I feel that sometimes good people also end up doing something really bad, not because they want to but because they have to.

It has been a great journey so far, pretty eventful I should say. Regrets I have lots in my heart. However as Adele sings “regrets and mistakes they are memories made”, I also believe in it. Memories no matter how bad or even worse they are, they always help in the future. No matter where life leads you or how bad it gets. Remember that is not the end; there is a lot more that life can offer. I know everyone goes through different things and yes I might not know what they are going through. Everything that happens to us happens because we let it happen. I am one of those believers who think that “if it’s not happy then it’s not the end”. I am not an optimist but I am realist who believes that we can’t change what has happened but we can make sure that it all ends perfectly.