OF GOODBYES AND CERTAIN FEELINGS

After a long disappearance, I have finally decided it’s time that I got back to the place I love the most. Yep!!!!!! And I am not quitting like the title suggest here, neither am I saying Goodbye to anyone. I don’t intend to. Not at least this place, because as I said this is one place where I get to be who I want and still be accepted the way I am by, all the beautiful people out here.

Been through a lot of different things for past month or so, not sure if I can write about everything, I will however take few things out and write about the rest. Hope you can understand what I am writing, because clearly I am not in a great state of mind right now. Apologies of you don’t.

Goodbyes are one of the hardest things to do for me, to be honest. I have never been good with them. As you all know I am not the kind to have a lot of friends or people around me. Not used to of it, to tell you the truth.

I have always been and will always be very careful as to who I let in and who I let go. These are the two things that I find hardest to do. Meeting new people, talking to them, making myself comfortable……………. Ummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!! It’s tough for me, if you know what I mean. I just don’t have the confidence in me to do it.

However once that’s done, it’s hard for me to let them go, no matter how they have been to me. For one, when I love people I do it with all my heart and if I let anyone go, that speaks volume of how I might feel about them.

I have never had the pleasure of leaving someone; neither do I ever want to, however people have a knack of leaving me in the middle. A lot did that when I needed them the most. But as they say, what’s done is done.

So I just move on or should I say........... I just try.

I have once said Goodbye to my sister when she was leaving and it brought me to tears. Though it was not like we’ll never meet again, it just made me sad. Parting just makes me so sad. It’s depressing sometimes to be honest. The worst however, when someone just leaves without even saying goodbye, freaks me out proper, to be honest. I have been through it a lot of times and I know it’s not the best of situations to be in.

So…… I am standing here with two choices. Either to say goodbye or to fight for all that I got. But there is a slight problem and it’s not easy as it seems. If I say Goodbye, it’ll hurt me and break me, while no one would even care about it. If I stay, fight and eventually win, then I would for sure be going through the same things again that brought me to all this at the first place.

With a new wave of shitty time lurking above my head, I just don’t feel optimistic about anything. Should I give up or should I just give it one more try??? I don’t know, I mean I am just so fucked up inside right now, I don’t even know what I want.

I have been feeling like shit for past week.

Reasons??? I have been pushed down to feel like shit.

I kid you not; I have never felt this low in my life. I know people don’t care about me, but I never knew that I was this trifling. After the times I had last month, I hoped that this month will bring some changes, changes that I had been longing for, but it doesn’t seem to be. Picking up where I left off from last month. Not an easy task I must say. However picking every piece and jotting them together to see if there is at least some respite for me.

I have been going through bouts of solitude for a while now; I can however assure you this is not just loneliness. I can handle loneliness and in fact I am very good with it, this time it’s a bit more than that. I don’t even know how to say it or explain it, but yeah things are just not right in my life right now.

Things are bad, I am down and not far from being depressed, but I still want to see things change. I just don’t wanna give up on hope. If I give up now then all the while that I had been holding on would just come to nothing and it would come to nothing like I am a “Quitter”, which I am not. I have never been one. I will try and work it out, at least to tell myself that I went down fighting.

Too much in my head right now, I don’t even know what I am trying to say here. I can however assure you that everything has come from within.

I am not sure how many of you have gone through a certain wave of despair and how you handle things, but right now it seems that everything’s against me. Like the whole universe is conspiring to bring me down.

But why me????????????? Did I do something so awful to deserve this? Or is this just all in my head? I am not even sure about anything now. Not sure who and what to believe anymore. Just so lost, everything seems near yet so far, like I can feel them but can’t touch them.

But as Gerry and the Peacemakers sang “At the end of a storm, there’s a golden sky……..” I would pacify myself with it and see if there is actually a golden sky for me or just a cluster of dark clouds. 

They say it takes time and to be honest, I don’t mind waiting; I have all the time in the world for it. I just want to see things get back to normal, not even asking for happiness. Just don’t wanna be sad anymore. It’s too tiring and has already taken the best of me. I can’t afford go through the same thing again. It’s just too much for me to take in and I don’t wanna break down.  

So…… I will just leave you with a song that constantly reminds me about the light at the end of the tunnel.

When you walk through a storm hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.

Goodbye for now, till the next time, take care and Stay safe.

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!