LEARNING NEVER STOPS

Ever since I complained about the hectic schedule at work and the long work hours, that’s taken a toll on me, unexpectedly, the work load has reduced. Since then, I have had a lot of breathing space at work. It’s been kind of welcomed change, more so because it has been just a bit too hectic at work. Things have changed ever since, up to the extent that I am now writing this, while I drink my tea… And guess where? Of course at work, on my desk.

  
Talk about work, then it had taught me few things, while a lot might sound a bit selfish to you however still handy in everyday life. For instance, I've always been taught to help others in every possible way. “If people aren't as good to us still then help them anyway.” That’s what I've been taught ever since I've come to senses. But it doesn't really apply to my work here. Here, if you help people out of goodwill, they will, in almost every case turn on you and expect the same every time. And if you ever fail someday, then it is and will surely turn against you. That is a fact. That’s how it works here. Though personally I love helping people here, however, it annoys me when they fail to acknowledge the work. So, the first thing that I've learnt here is, help people, however first analyze who is to help and how they should be helped. Helping people for every small thing can turn against you. Once again, against the teaching I received as a kid, however much handy in life if followed properly.

           The other thing that my work taught me is how to put my words across. This is banking and people here usually don’t care about what we do for them; however they are happy with the kind of words we shower on them. For example, you can give someone a plain “NO”, which can be rude sometimes or you can twist your words in a way it pleases the ears. Words, how you say it and how you put it across really makes an impression, not just in the bank but in everyday life. I have learnt, a lot of people are just happy with two nice words and it can really work wonders sometimes. Politeness never hurts anyone.

We all as humans, love a lot of things about ourselves, and our pride and ego is one of them. However bad the person might be, just never hurt someone’s ego, most of us, especially guys, love it more than anything else in the world. It stays with them. A lot of people that I come across here at this place either come with a smile on their faces or with huge egos in their personality. If it's a smile on the face, then it's not a problem, who doesn't love a smile on someone's face. However it it's a ego that they carry around with them, then we have a problem. Honestly, though it annoys me to no end sometimes and I prefer to stay away from these kinds of people more often than not, however dealing with them helps in understanding different kind of people and how to deal with them when face to face. I have seen, nothing makes a man happier than making him believe you respect them for who they are and you are in awe of them, well kind of. If you do them, treat them with respect, though just from the outside, it pleases them to no end. And a happy proudy man can be and is, in most cases, the best man to deal with. This however I find the hardest of them all, however as a banker I go through in my everyday life, and honestly, I kind of mastered the art of doing it as well. I do, have my fair share of ego in me as well, however keeping that aside has helped me a lot. It’s not always the best thing to actually, face ego with ego. When dealing with kind of self-centred person, it’s always best to not show yours. This is one very good thing to follow, because if by faking something, you bring someone delight and preserve their self respect, then I think it’s not a very bad thing to do.

They say hard work pays off in the long run, and I say “You must mix hard work with smart work”. For simple reason, hard work can get everything sorted in time; however it can really take a toll on your body and mind. However smart work can not only reduce the work load, it also reduces the physical and mental pressure. If you know how to do it, then you’d enjoy work with greater success. I have in, my short career as a banker haven’t been able to pertain that much as yet, however this is something I've learnt over the course of past 5-6 years. I used to be one of those, dumb hard working guy, who’d work his ass off without much of a result. That has changed since long, I have developed a petite knack of mixing hard and smart work, and honestly, things have become much smoother. Well, that is of course, in terms of work and studies.

Speaking, telling someone what you feel and what and how you do things, has its fun, however it is very important to be a good listener. We all listen to our close ones, like friends and family, but listening to a stranger giving you a lot of crap, isn't quite as cool. Being a public servant, I face a lot of people like that, who just wouldn’t stop, either they’d go on bragging about themselves or they just come up with their everyday shit, a lot of times it exasperates me to the core. Though, it kills a good chunk of productive time for me, however it fulfills the criteria of being a good customer service provider, which in turn is one of the basic quality that we must have. Being a listener, to all these people, especially strangers have also helped me develop patience in me. This has been one of my weak points for a long time, for a simple reason, that I haven’t been a listener for my whole life.  If I am to listen, the first thing I need to have is patience. If I don’t have it, then I am not a good listener. Simple.

We exist in a society, where in some way or the other, we affect each other’s life. Small things we do matter a lot and sometimes the smaller they are, the bigger the consequences. Sometimes, we either ignore or are just blind to what we do or how we affect people, however these small things do offer us a lot to learn. And if used properly, it can be life changing. It might not give us the best; it will however make our lives a lot better than what it is now. We, all learn from things we do, schools or colleges we attend and also from the place we work at. Life never ceases to amaze and to teach, no one has and will never learnt everything that life has to offer, we all learn things one by one and in due time. I am not in any way trying to imply here that I have learnt a lot, however I can claim that I have become a better person and have developed a better understanding of things around me.

Okay, so this is it for the time being, I will continue with the experience at work in weeks to come, however as of now. I shall take you excuse. Will see you very soon, until then, take care and stay safe.

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DECISION MAKING: THE HARD CHOICE

Choices..... It's easy sometimes and difficult others. I mean we all go through a phase where we need to make some choices, about life, relations, career or everything. Sometimes, these choices are about small things (however, with bigger consequences) and sometimes they are about bigger issues (however, small consequences). Whatever they are or they might be, it's not always the easiest thing to make choices, well, not at-least for me. I have always been one of the people who lacks the precision when it comes to choosing something or making decisions. I need a second opinion in most of the cases, however small or big issues they are, I can't remember clearly if there is one decision that I made on my own. Honestly, there has been very few.

 

Let me begin with a question.... How many times have you had this thought of taking second opinion? How many times have you thought someone else might know things better than you and it'd be better if you asked them before actually doing it? And how many times have had this doubt about your plans that you had to consult other, even without liking it a bit? If there has been then I think we are more or less the same, as I go through the same thing every time I plan on doing something. I am always unsure about things that I am doing or I am planning to do.

Honestly, I am at the age and situation where I should be deciding things on my own and implementing it. However, that is not the case. Inside I am still like that lost kid who always needs a guidance and opinion. Decision making has never been my strength, I have always ended up taking second opinion or consulting people, that maybe because I don't have much confidence about my knowledge and am always unsure about what I am planning to do and the consequences that might occur afterwards. That's one of the main reasons why I end without doing the things that I planned or without buying things that I want. It does happen a lot of times with me.

Let me give you few situations. I had been planning to buy a tab for a while now, however because of my old habit of consulting, I haven't bought it yet. And it's been more than eight months since I had planned this. I ended up choosing something and then asked everyone around about the feedback and everything. And now I am more confused than ever, as to which one to choose or what to buy or whether I should buy it or whether I really need it or not. All these doubts now fill my head and I haven't been able to make up my mind and decide on what I should do.

The other time, I had planned to buy a laptop. I had my eyes set on a Sony VAIO, however as it's always happened, I made the mistake or should I say, repeated the same thing of asking my friends and relatives about laptops and everything. After consulting everyone possible now I am confused, which one I should go for. Everyone has a suggestion and a brand that they trust, which does not necessarily match to what I had in mind. And call it lack of decisiveness as you like, now I am confused. And I think, I'd end up not buying anything for a while. Annoying it might be, but that's who I am that's how I am.

Friends sometimes get annoyed with it, but I just can't help it. I just wanna be sure about what I am doing and everything.

That has however it's own advantages. For one, it helps me not to do things in haste without thinking about it, which in a long run is helpful in choosing what is the best for me, well in most cases it has and I believe it will. And two, it increases the knowledge. I mean, it helps me know about things in proper way. So, I think it helps and it's not a very bad thing to do.

However, by doing so, I have become more reliant on people and now it's hard for me to decide on things. Well, there are few things I decide without taking any second opinion however, I always tell my folks about what I am doing. After all, it's better that way., Though, it's not good to be overtly reliant on people. It reduces your judgmental power, for after all, it's I, who needs to decide on what I do and what I don't.

I have tried and many times, I have decided that I will not do it, however as they say, old habits die hard. It happens every time. Sometimes it does happen just out of habit, without me even planning on doing it.

Annoying? Yeah, it sure is annoying and very much annoying. I don't know what I am gonna do or how I am gonna manage when I am older, well older than this. And when I have a family of my own. Well, it's not as bad to ask opinions around however not the best way to be always reliant on people. 

If you are one of those people, then I guess I have something to tell you and here is a piece of advice for everyone who reads it. It's good to take second opinion or at-least letting your folks know about what you are and will do, but make sure that you draw a line as to where you use your own conscience and make a decision. Some decision can be really big, up to an extent of being life changer for someone, and in those cases it's always better to consult someone who has better experience and better knowledge, maybe someone older. Though, being old doesn't necessarily gives you the wisdom to always choose the right thing, however experience counts. The more things you go through, the different kind of situation you go through, the more ideas you have, as to how to tackle it, or should I say face it. That's what experience is all about, and in life, it counts. It's never bad to consult your elders however do so, only when it is really important and just refrain from being too dependent on them. Because as it is, we end up blaming others whenever something goes wrong, especially when we have taken a second opinion. So, to save yourself from that blame-game, just be reliant on your knowledge and your ability but don't hesitate if there is any need of a second opinion.

Especially those people who matter to you, because your decision most of the times, effects them and it doesn't hurt to think about what is beneficial for everyone around (well,not everyone but “Everyone”).

However, let me tell you, this is just what I think and doesn't necessarily be applicable in your case. Just try and think about it, for decision making is no child's play and obviously, it should be done after carefully thinking about it. And make sure you do that in future. I can assure you, you'd be much happier if that happens.

Well,  that's it for now. I leave you with a lot to think about. I shall see you very soon.  Till then take care and stay safe. 

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SECOND COMING...... WELL, SORT OF.

Helloooooooo.............!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM BACK........!!!!!!!!!!

It's been quite a long time. Oh yeah, it has been. I don't don't know why? But for some reasons I kept myself away from writing for so long. It seems like a decade to me to be very honest. But if i say that so, honestly, I would be lying. Honestly though, things at work were slightly out of hands, which meant i had very little or no time at all to write or do something else. Been meaning to write something or the other for a while but just couldn't find the time and also there was very few exciting things happening in my life worth writing about, unless I start writing about what I do at work, what I eat and what do I do when I have an off. Obviously, no one is interested in knowing all that crap. And I will, for that matter, save you from the misery of going through all that.

So, days, weeks and months have gone by, I for one, would assume that all my readers, especially you are doing fine (not even sure how many actually read this thing).

Things, have been pretty ordinary here with me, have seen very few exciting things in this past six months or so. Though I would rule out that nothing exciting happened at all during this time the days were too far and few in between. Nevermind, there were days when I had my share of fun, and there were days when I just hoped it to end sooner than it usually does, which in simple words we call it as very boring days. And if I talk about work, it has been nothing less than mega-hectic, for different reasons, but yeah!!!! It has been very hectic few months and I had been longing to get out of this mess for a while.

But in all, I wouldn't deny the fact that the days went by sooner than I had expected, maybe it was because of the work schedule, which was in every sense keeping me busy for almost 10 hours in a day. Tiring, it may be I am still, in a way thankful that it helped me kill time. If not for work, time just doesn't seem to move. If you don't believe me, then you should see me on weekends. It is nothing less than a struggle to go through the entire day, and I swear I kid you not!!!!!!

You know, sometimes, leading a normal life has it's own advantages though. It saves you all the drama and the heartache you go through, which could in a way, ruin your peace of mind for few days, weeks or maybe even month. And it's better especially, when you lead a hectic life as mine, mainly because it doesn't put you in a situation, where you need to think too much, or really put an effort despite of being low, to get things straight. These are the situation that I try to avoid or I must say, I'd do anything to avoid. Honestly, sometimes, I do think about all these stars who lead a life watched by millions of people everyday and I can't help but feel pity for them. Sometimes I do wish to be in their shoes, however most of the times, I am better off the way I am. For I wouldn't be able to handle the same pressure they go through everyday. Being famous looks fun, however it has a heavy price to pay and honestly, I am not ready for that, not that anyone cares though.

Talk about celebrities, then Christina Aguilera has been the flavour of the month for me though, well for quite sometimes now. I've liked her since she made her debut, however I never knew she could really be that powerful with her vocals until I heard some of her songs from the recent albums, well, not that recent. Been all into her for a while, kinda listening non-stop to her. No particular reasons for that, however she has created some powerful songs both lyrically and vocally. In my view, she's one of the most under-rated singers of all time and she deserves the respect given out to the likes of Mariah Carey, Celine Dion etc.

Okay, that's said. There are a lot of things exciting me. First there is my supposed trip to Delhi, yeah, once again I am going home and not to forget the beginning of new season in the EPL. Been waiting for it for a while now, though the cable connection here doesn't show much of it, however still excited with it. Liverpool looks good to me this season, no major signing but there is a hint of confidence in the players and also the coach. I think they'll be big this time around. The only problem would be the drama surrounding Suarez and his departure. Well, sincerely hoping he stays and I am sure he will.

Okay we are going to meet a lot more often and I will be much more regular around here, just that I need some time, as in free time, which i am planning to squeeze in, in between work and my spare time.

Happy days are here. It so feels like a second coming for me. How long has it been?? Let me guess, four months??? Maybe more. Being away for so long, it seems like ages to me, this place however still welcomes me and puts a smile on my face, whenever I see people commenting on my craps. It just makes me happy. Well, sort of. Gotta see you very soon. Gotta get me ready for the Delhi trip. A lot still needs to be done before I leave. So, I will see you when I get to Delhi. Till then take care and stay safe.

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DADDY AND HOME............... !!!!!!

I am dreaming tonight of an old southern town,

The best friend that I ever had

For I've grown so weary of roaming around,

And I am going home to my dad.

Your hair has turned to silver,

And I know you’re failing too.

Daddy dear, oh daddy, I am coming back to you.

You've made my childhood happy,

But still I longed to roam,

I've had my way, but now I’ll say,

I long for you and for home.

Dear daddy you've shared all my sorrows and joys,

You tried hard to bring me up right,

I know you’ll still be one of the boys,

I’m starting back home tonight.

Your hair has turned to silver,

And I know you’re failing too.

Daddy dear, oh daddy, I am coming back to you.

You've made my childhood happy,

But still I longed to roam,

I've had my way, but now I’ll say,

I long for you and for home.

Okay so the time has come. I have been waiting for this moment for a while now. It’s been a month since I haven’t been home and I really needed a break and relax myself. So going home seemed to be the best idea. Also, for a fact that I needed to go Ahmedabad for training. So, everything was set, first home and then directly to the training school. Excited. Yeah, I was. For I knew I would be among people I know and people I love. 

But this time just as much I was excited, there still was a part of me which was pretty hesitant about everything. Ummmmmm….. I think we have discussed about everything previously. But if you haven’t taken notice of that, that go here and you will know everything. There was this thing inside me, telling me not to go, stopping me and trying to kill the excitement and there was this other part, which constantly told me, there is nothing like being at home, being with the people you love and the elation attached to being together. So, I guess the thought of being together with all those people….. ummmmmm… my family seemed to be the better idea.

And then after a long thought and long discussion with my folks at home and everyone I knew who could give me honest and sincere opinions were consulted and after days of being in a battle with myself, I have finally decided. Home it is.

So, I set out and after about 12 hours of travelling, I finally reached Delhi, my home, early in the morning. Still dark it was and I couldn't wait to get home. Took a taxi to reach home and all the way I was thinking about reuniting with my sisters and my family after a long time. By this time, the other part that I had told about, which was stopping me, had given up on trying and I was excited. Just friggin excited. The road also seemed longer than it was. I kid you not, it really seemed that way. Maybe because I was too excited to be home after all.

Reached home and was greeted by my mother, yeah, she always does it. After all, she had been waiting for me to knock on the door. I could see, she was happy to see me and so was I. We however did not talk, it was middle of the night and everyone was sleeping, and I could understand she might be sleepy as well, so I asked her to sleep and told her if I needed anything, I would just take it from the fridge. I guess she was a bit concerned about me, I am one of those who needs to be told time and again that I need to eat, after all she’s my mom and she knows me. So she kept few things for me to eat and then went to sleep. I was hungry, just a bit though but was more tired and just wanted to get back to sleep. So I went to my room and slept.

Things didn't seem to be the way I had expected them. I was expecting a lot of chitter-chatter and a lot of talks. But when the morning dawned, everything was just the opposite. I mean, everyone was talking among themselves and very few talked to me. I didn't give it much attention, thinking things will be better in the evening. After all, it’s just been few hours since my arrival. So, I waited. The evening came and things didn't seem to change at all. I could feel some uncomfortable stares thrown at me, though I tried my best to ignore them, I think I just couldn't  Mom and dad knew what I was going through and they actually tried their best to make me feel comfortable. I really appreciated it, because I knew they were just as much disappointed at me, however it was the parent in them, which made them forget everything and embrace me for who I am and love me the way I am. 

They did not say much, but mom made things I loved the most for dinner and that was enough to show that she was actually happy to see me. Dad spoke to me a lot. Though we did not get into any serious conversation. Ooh well, for that, let me tell you something about my dad. He is a respected figure in our community, an elder in the church and one of the first people to move to Delhi, so he has been involved quite a lot in the church and other social things. Known for his hard hitting lines and everything and known to speak of the bitter truth, instead of just beating around the bush. Some people don’t like him for that; I however respect him for his straight forwardness. However……. Outside all these circles, there is one thing that you need to know about him, he is everything but the ever serious type of guy that most people know. He is funny, witty and had a great presence of mind. You can say outside all these things, he is not one of those serious people. He’s more of the funny dads around. Honestly, my friends like him for his jovial attitude. So do I.

Dad and I hardly talk about serious things, and even when we do, we tend to do it in a jovial way rather than being all too cranky about things. That I guess makes our relation better. I am not afraid of putting my points across to him, mainly because I know that he would listen to them. If he doesn't like it, he’s not afraid to tell me so. The best part about us is that, sometimes he takes my opinions on things and he takes them seriously. In short, he’s not ashamed of consulting younger people than him whenever he is in doubt. That, for me makes him a lot more approachable and a lot easier to talk to. There however is a small problem about him, after all no man is born perfect. He can sometimes be very fussy about things, maybe that is because he wants things to be done in certain order and he’s not happy until it’s done just how he wants it. That’s one thing that I have taken from him. It’s annoying sometimes, however not hard to adapt to. And he is just one of those people, easy to talk to and always fun to be around with. Not to forget he has a great sense of humor. 

He’s my dad, I love him, respect him and admire him in every way, however I am not going to go all out praising, because he has his limitations, he’s human after all. He’s impatient, sometimes very strict, can be really harsh with the words he chooses to spit, sometimes a bit clumsy with things and even annoying, however in all, he is not a bad person. Know him once and I am sure you will like him, even if you don’t love him. 

So………… As I said, he did make me comfortable amidst everything; it was nice to be home after all. Home is home.

At night though, talked a bit with my sisters and brothers. It wasn't as smooth as it used to be but I am still happy with it. A lot better than not talking at all. Though there was a certain uncomfort, I was still glad that finally we broke the ice for I knew things will just get better in due time. All we need was to spend some more time together. Comfortable or not, it was nice being home. No matter what happens. Nothing beats times spent with family. Can you imagine, till some time ago I almost cut myself out from my family. Things happened in the past and I just couldn't handle them, though a bit late, I have realized, even if everything breaks, family is forever.

The first day……….. Hmmmmmmm… Looking ahead to more days but better ones and I am sure they will come my way. I will take a leave now. Will see you very soon. Till then take care and stay safe.

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHMEDABAD DIARIES: CHAPTER XII THIS TOO SHALL PASS

“Good times and bad times have a similarity, both will pass away. It’s upto us to learn and cherish everything that life gives us.”

These are words that a friend said to me a while back. Not that I did not pay attention to it, but I never thought that I would need to imply this or keep it in my mind in any way. Well, this is life. It brings you to moments you least expect, sometimes experiences that you learn from albeit the hard way. We all go through it, and I am no different from the others.

So, the year has started on a good note, though I still don’t wanna be overtly positive about things. Not that I don’t trust my stars, but simply because, life is better when it throws everything at you. Good times or bad times. Everything has a meaning and everything makes it beautiful. Imagine life without sadness. Have you ever tried? Well, I have. And let me tell you, it doesn’t look or sounds interesting to say the least. If we don’t go through sad times then we won’t simply realize the value of good times and we might not cherish them just as much.

So… after some sense of positivity I am back at this place and living my normal life of a banker, which is not exciting at all. But still I kinda enjoy it. It has its fun, let me tell you. It’s been a week and everything seems normal. There seem to be nothing wrong apart from me missing home and certain things. I knew however that missing those things will be a part of my life for a long time to come. Not exactly prepared for it, still I kinda know I would have to deal with it, whether I like it or not.

It’s been a week of waking up early in the morning, going to work, coming back in the evening, talking on the phone, feeling nostalgic and then go to bed with a heavy heart knowing that it’ll all be the same the next morning. Still, it seemed kind of normal to me, for a reason that nothing really untoward has happened so far. No major incident that’d shake anything. So I was fine and I think I was pretty much up for wherever life leads me.

Just when I thought finally lady luck is smiling on me, something happened. Something, I never thought would happen, something I thought I had taken care of or should I say something I thought I sorted out long time back. But it was not.  It’s clearly my mistake though and I will not hesitate to admit that I was wrong in it. I should have done better. Though misunderstanding has a huge part to play, but I wouldn’t still put everything on it, because I know had I done better this would never have occurred. This would never have happened.

My inability to deal with certain things or my inability to come clean has led to all this and I knew that this time I am done for. Everyone close to me did not like what happened and how it happened. They didn’t really wanted to blame me straight but I could feel their disappointment. Honestly, I did just that. Disappoint everyone. That said, I had to find a way to make it all alright and fight with my own consciousness and convince myself to do what is right and what I wanted. I knew it was never going to be easy and I knew this will take longer than I expect.

Still I gathered the courage and talked straight to everyone, no matter how they felt I just talked to them. I knew the only way I am gonna get away with this is by sorting it out and by doing what is required. I was ready for it. I knew it was my mistake and I knew the only person who needs to correct is, me. It was my problem and I had to deal with it.I could not expect anyone else to do it for me anyway.

So I tried. As I had said to myself “This year is the year of maning up. No more running away.” So that is how I am going to deal with things. Just admit it and face it. So I did. Facing them however was not pretty. It was never going to be pretty anyway, but it was something that’s needed to be done at any cost.

Few days passed and things are better, seems they are okay with things though I still don’t think I have been forgiven. I know it is going to take time and I am okay with the waiting. After all, my mistake, my arse and their stick. So I am okay with the punishment and I think my punishment is to feel guilty and realize what I have done is not cool at all.

Constantly talking to them, constantly convincing myself and hanging on to it. Though there were times when I seriously gave disappearing a thought, still wanted to give everything another chance on the other hand. I was kind of waging an inner battle with my own self. One trying to convince to face everything and sort it out, which is in fact the best solution, while the other constantly telling to stop everything, no more Facebook, G+, Twitter and even phones. Just wane away, everyone will be happy and things will be so much better. That kind of became every night’s routine before sleeping. Thinking for long hours, talking to myself and sometimes trying my best to stop those tears. Days have not been kind to me so far, though there still was a reason to smile and cheer about. However, human as I am, always looking at the bad ones while I should rather be focusing on the bright side. This always happens to me and this time too is not so different. There were some kind people along the way, who threw kind words and advices at me, which I’d say I accepted with both hands and I am really thankful for those words. They meant a lot to me then and they mean a lot to me now. Had those words not been there, or had those people not been there, I am not sure what would have happened to me. In no way I am being melodramatic, but I just know myself a bit too well and I have this tendency of doing things without a second thought. Yeah, I have done a lot of things, which I regret later but out of my pride and ego, never showed any sign of penitence or anything of that sort. That’s how I am. Hard to understand.

In between these moments, I squeeze in about 8 hours of work every day.  In all honesty, I kinda like going to work every day, as it takes my mind off from it while I work. It’s been about a week and I am better than before, but not entirely alright. My sister’s coming from England this week after about 5 years, though I am really excited about it, I think I will give it a skip this time and take my chances if she comes back again some other time. I know it’s not gonna happen very soon and if I miss this then I would probably have to wait for another 2-3 years at least, but I guess that’s the only choice I have. I can’t see anyone just yet. I am not ready.

But on the other hand, there is a part of me that says, I cannot miss it for anything. It’s gonna be a family re-union in like nine or ten years and I really want to and need to be there. So, after the dilemma last week, I am up against another quandary, i.e. whether to go or not. Whatever I decide I know it would need a lot of convincing. I am trying my best to convince myself on a decision, but let’s see what happens.

Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Cliché. I know, but right now I seem to connect with it more than ever. Hard are the days and it’s even harder to fix every mess that has been created, days are not kind and nights… Hmmmmmm…. Better not to talk about them.

But as they say, “At the end of a storm, there’s a golden sky” I seriously hope that this time there is one. And as I said I don’t wanna be extremely confident about things, but I sincerely believe that “This too shall pass”.

That’s it for now and I hope next time I see you; I greet you with a smile. Till then take care and stay safe. Blessings.

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. – Everyone’s entitled to make mistakes, so am I. And everyone has the right to be forgiven and I hope I am forgiven too.

AHMEDABAD DIARIES: CHAPTER X THE WEEK CONTINUES

“There are places I remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all.”

It had been a really great week for me and still I wanted more. I do sometimes feel kind of greedy when it comes to moments like these. You know, these are the moments I live for, I guess these are the memories everyone lives for. All the way back, I was thinking what if I was not able to come home, what if I was not able to make it? I would have missed out on all these things. On one hand I was happy that I did and on the other hand I was sad that it will have to come to an end, well at least temporarily. Still it had to end and I would have to leave soon. With mixed emotions I walked till home. All the way still wishing for things that probably might not be granted. still wishing though, who knows a miracle might just happen.

So, there was I, lying in my bed and thinking, whishing and praying if only I had one more day. We talked on the phones, and all the while I was wishing, if only I could see her face one more time. I so wanted that to happen, that I even made a pact with God that if he gives me another chance to see her, then I will not ask for anything more but be a very good boy through the year. Well, it might sound funny but that's what I did.

So, I woke up in the morning still wishing if something happens. A miracle maybe. And guess what happened. Yeah, you can call it a miracle, because I call it miracle. Trust me, miracles do happen and I saw it. I was supposed to leave at 1 pm. Everything was set, and my uncle was supposed to get my ticket done, which he forgot to. So, there i was, all packed up and ready to go without ticket. After a long discussion with mom and dad and they said, it'll be better if I stayed for one more day, then get a ticket and leave the next night. So, all sorted and ticket for the next day taken. I could believe my luck; I was not even sure whether to call it luck or a miracle. Whatever you might wanna call it, it sure made me happy, ecstatic to say the least. So, my prayers answered and I am ready to meet her once again. So we met, talked and spent time with each other till evening. It was quite cold to be honest and I, with my sinus problem, did not seem to mind anything at all. Maybe it was because all that mattered was us and nothing else. Yeah, we did create memories. We sure did.

But as they say, every good thing must come to an end. So did it had to. It was time to say goodbye. I wasn't ready, neither was she. But it had to be done. So, I went to drop her. Being with her gave me so much happiness that I wished I just could stop everything right there and stay in that moment forever. Hmmmmm... But i know that's just a bit bookish, still that's how I felt. I do sometimes, wish for and feel things I usually bookish, or even Korean filmish. Sometimes everyone is entitled to wish for those moments though. These are memories and the sweeter, the better it is.

So, we reached her house, I am still in no mood to let her go, though she didn't want to go either. There was no other option for us as well. After all we do live separate lives and with our family. So, with a bit of sadness and profound joy, we bid goodbye. The goodbye though was said in a special way. I told you I always hated goodbyes, but this goodbye meant a lot more than a farewell. This goodbye was more of a promise that she will be waiting for me, a promise that she will be true to me. It was a promise that she will miss me. Every goodbye has its own story and so did this one too. This Goodbye tells a story of a kid who grew up to be a man, to take care of someone. The kid who always needed to be taken care of has finally grown. This goodbye showed this kid, who has always been lost in self-sympathy that he indeed is beautiful the way he is. This goodbye brought tears to my eyes; the only difference was the feeling. This time I was rather happy than sad. In short, you could say that his goodbye came as a blessing and a realization. Had it not been for this goodbye, I don't think I would be smiling right now.

So, goodbyes said and I am ready to leave. Yeah.... once again, leaving has always been hard and I did not expect this one to be any easier either. I however was kinda prepared for it, so this time I was in control. And I don't know why, but I had this feeling that I'd be back sooner rather than later lifted the gloom. Reached the railway station and this time around, I really did not need anyone to drop me as well. I guess the past month has made me a bit stronger than what I was.

Waiting for the train, talking on the phone, the chill in the air and that certain feeling of loneliness amidst the crowd inside. Hmmmmmmm….. I knew it was going to be a long journey for me. Some goodbyes leave a void, so did it. Goodbyes always do. But this time around it was not one of those goodbyes that brought tears and sadness. Of course sadness will always be there, this time however it was much easier to take it.

This is how the week had been to me. Oh yeah, and Forgot to tell you, during this weeks’ time, Liverpool FC played 3 matches, won all of them and Suarez scored in all of them. All in all this week had been really good to me, I couldn't have asked for a better way to bid farewell to 2012 and welcome 2013. Everything about this was so special; I honestly don’t have any words to describe it. You know, I am not good at all these things, but I can deffo assure you that this week has been one of the best of my life so far. It certainly had its ups and downs and there were times when I thought things could have been better, nothing however is perfect and I did not expect this week to be either. I always prepared myself for moments like these, so it was okay. And I am ready to let go of all those moments for the sake of memories we created. For the first time in my life, I have embraced happiness more than sadness. Another change in me, I should say and this one too, is pretty welcomed.

So, now I am in the train and set to embark on a new chapter and continue my stay in Dahod. I know a lot of new things will come my way and I am ready to take everything that life throws and pick up what's good and leave what bad. So, I am ready to be the man. Oh well, once again.

Holidays over and it's back to work again. It will be hectic but I will still take time out to continue the Diary. Till then stay safe and take care.

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. - I still miss the goodbye. I wish I didn't have to say it, but if I have to say it then I would want to say it the way I said this Goodbye.

AHMEDABAD DIARIES: CHAPTER XI SECOND COMING

The train rolled on and I am still thinking about everything that I did during the week I spent in Delhi. It had been nothing short of a wonderful experience. I kinda miss everything already. The worst part is realizing that I will not be able to return home soon. It’s that feeling once again, the feeling of being alone and no one really to turn to. I mean, I can call my folks back home, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I know their wishes and prayers are with me but sometimes I wish they were physically there. Sometimes I wish if only I can talk in person with them.

I knew this was going to be a long night and a long journey for me. And worst, I will have to go to work when I reach there. By this time however, I was very much comfortable with travelling alone and my love story with Indian Railways dates back to quite long back now. Had it just been a week’s trip or something, I would have enjoyed travellingalone, but knowing that I will be there posted for at least 3-4 month made it a bit hard. But I am okay, it needs to be done, so it needs to be done in anyway. Whether I like it or not. And yeah, this time, no tears. Just a few drops, that came out of happiness I reckon. Now I know what they mean when they say, they cried tears of joy. This was it.

Bought some books to read while travelling, however a fellow passenger didn’t like keeping the lights on after 10pm because she couldn’t sleep under light though she had her entire face covered by a blanket. Lights out. What am I gonna do now, I mean I wouldn’t be able to sleep that soon anyway. Talked on the phone for a while, but battery was dying so kept it inside the pocket and laid down, closing my eyes. I guess it took me about an hour or two to sleep. Woke up quite early, after all it’s not easy to sleep in a train after 5 am. If you don’t have any idea about it, then I recommend you try it out once and you’ll know it. So I woke up but still laid down closing my eyes, and all the while thinking how things would have been and what I could have done, had I not been posted here.

The train was late for about 2 hours so, reached Dahod at 11 am. I had switched off my phone, because it creates a problem when the battery dies down completely. There were no charging ports as well, so I thought I will call my folks when I reach home and charge it. Was still kind of lost in thoughts, suddenly I realized my station had come. I had to hurry as it doesn’t stop for long and quite a few people were also getting down. So, I took my baggage and got down. In the process I broke my glass, well not exactly broke it, but one of the sticks came out. Reached home. First thing, I need to charge my phone. I couldn’t find the charger then I realized that I never put it back in the bag after taking it out last night. FUCK!!!! I forgot the charger in the train and couldn’t find my spare charger which I kept in the room before leaving. What am I gonna do now. I knew my parents would be worried about me.

Took bath, changed and I set out to go to office, but before that I had to go and buy a charger and get my glasses fixed. Took and auto, asked him what I needed to do and where I needed to go, so he took me. It took about 30 minutes to do all that; we had to look for the shops and stuff, but the Autowallah just asked me for twenty bucks. I expected him to ask for more than that. But, I am happy. Got everything fixed, bought the charger and now on my way to the office. Reached the office and it was 30 past noon.

Okay. Not so eager to get in. I took a leave telling them that I’d be back by 27^th and I didn’t even call them to let them know that I am going to extend my stay in Delhi. I kinda got the idea that my Manager would not be very happy about it. But you know, I had to get in anyway and report. So I did. I straight went into the manager’s cabin, he looked at me and I could see he was not very happy about everything.

He: Where have you been, you told us you’d come back by 27^th. (He said it in a stern voice, I was kinda expecting that, but still I was nervous and I didn’t know what to do or say)

Me: Ummmmm…. I just couldn’t come. (I just smile while I said it. Honestly, I did not know what else to do.)

I guess my smile worked wonders for me.

He: You should have informed us.

I could hear his voice softening, so I knew that my smile has done the trick for me. But on a serious note, I again did not know what to do. I just looked at him for a while. Then,

Me: It’s a long story. I should have called but I couldn’t.

My nephew had thrown my phone from our balcony; we live on the second floor mind you. It was only late at night when I realized my phone is missing. Looked for it downstairs the next morning but did not find it. It had all my official contacts. I couldn’t do anything about it as well; after all, my nephew is just a year and a half old.

He: How was it?

Me: It was nice just a bit too cold for my liking. It’s the coldest winter in Delhi for a while now.

Yeah, I have a sinus problem, so winters are always a problem, though I like it better than summers.

He: How was Christmas and New Year? Did you have good time with family?

Me: Yeah, they were all good. I really enjoyed my time out there. It feels great to get to spend days like these with family.

He: Yeah. Even I would love to spend Diwali’s with family every year, but this job just doesn’t allow it. Good that you are back now. There is a lot that’s waiting for you. If you wanna rest, then just sign the attendance register and go home.

Me: It’s okay. I will go in the evening and thank you.

So, after a week, I took my desk and once again, I am back to being the Assistant manager in my bank. After the holidays, it seemed like things are back to normal now. These days normal for me means, being away from home, going to work every day in the morning and coming back in the evening, missing family and friends, talking to my roommates, sleeping early and then waking up early. This is normal and getting to spend some time with my family, being at home and waking up late is a luxury for me now.

After a long and tiring day, reached home in the evening. I was greeted quite warmly by my roommates, who had been waiting for me. Because I guess they had some plans and it was waiting for me. I guess it was one of my roommates birthday on the 2^nd of January, they had planned to eat out earlier, but then thought it’d be better if they waited for me. So they did. It was kinda nice of them to do. Honestly, I liked what they did.
So…………..Here I am, back to the place and back to everything that is normal now. Well at least to me. Hmmmmm….. It’s gonna take another week or two to get used to of everything once again. I will need to start everything all over again, but I am ready. This is the year of facing the worst with a smile for me. So I will do it.
It feels like a second coming and things don’t look to be so strange, after all I have already spent a month and a half here already. So I kinda know a thing or two about this place now, after all, it’s just a small city. I am here once again, which mean for one more time I will have to walk on, with hope in my heart.

That’s it, for now. I will see you very soon. Till then, take care and stay safe.

Adios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. – It’s just been about 3-4 days, but I already miss everything. I am missing, my home, family, friends, Delhi and I AM MISSING YOU.